death & stuff...

To be accused of doing something which I didn't is beyond description ! The best part is that there is evidence of innocence. Like doing this will move me up the ladder. Quite stupid really when you analyse all angles, won't get me anywhere near the friggin ladder lol. It is entrapment. It is a farce. It is trying desperately to dig out something which doesn't exist except in the fanciful imagination of a small narrow mind. Okay lah, smart in wily ways lah I concede lol. Of course I am freakin fuming & upset. Not true maaah, how not to get angry. Ah well...bugger it ! As long as I know I ain't done it...fark it all !

Matt's death hit me some. A couple of things...he is a friend my age & yeah we were dating when we were much much younger. Though I was well aware of how ill he was, it was a shock. I cannot imagine how his family feels & I cannot pretend to know. The thing is that our age, we hear of our friends' parents passing away. For me, it is a first friend who died. It hits me greatly that it can happen to anyone, regardless of age.

I have been thinking of writing a list of what I want when I do die. Whether by accident or of a ripe old age. Sounds so morose & grim but death is a reality. I know I don't want mourning & wailing. Sadness is inevitable but I would like that to be over with quick so that those who are alive and left behind do not go through too much turmoil, regrets & unhappiness. Rather, it should be a celebration that when I die, I am no longer in pain or suffering. That I have lived my life to the fullest, the way I want to, with dignity & integrity. The only regret would be leaving loved ones. But we all eventually will have to leave our loved ones. It is the circle of life, to borrow a phrase. I said to Sarah that for my wake (why is it called a wake ??) I want happy music, the songs which I enjoy. I want bright colours, no mourning clothes & if I can get away with it, wine & beer made available. I be dead so the kids will have to figure out how to work the wine & beer in. Think I will write a letter which can be displayed for all to see that it isn't out of disrespect, but rather respect for my last wishes. Otherwise people think my living family are mad. I'm the nutty one. Sure, let there be some crying. But just a little quick cry & a prayer. Then life should go on.

Lament for the day : it ain't fun anymore...so I drag my feet...